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HonestT93

If you want to check out my journey as I morph from a mom in the rat race to an evolved writer, representing my ultimate being of truth. Check out my new blog HonestT93.wordpress.com

Law of Least Effort…”relenquish the need to defend my point of view”~Spiritual Laws of Sucess (Deepak Chopra)

It has taken me some time..to get it. People…family…others outside of self. They are who they are. They are where they’re at. (pardon ending with a preposition…lol)

Too much time spent trying to convince someone to see the world as I see it. vast open, abundant,  limitless cosmic, grandeur…and easy. I now know it is futile. It only promotes suffering and efforting for us both.

I got my own damn problems, my own children, my own partner, my own dreams needing some attention. Loving everyone and their problems can’t fix their pain… indefinetly, a lifetime of putting Tee on the backburner just so that no one feels left out, while we all eat. Rooting for their success…even more than my own….smh has diminished self production.

I relenquish the need to stop my climb and keep them company where they’re at.  I’ve realized, they all have the same things that the creator gave me…unless they ASK for my help, I will listen, and ease into minding my own business…  My desire is to do what I came here to do to : write, to draw, to sing, to laugh, to love, to imagine, and to create. Serving others I got something out of it, but now I need a person in my corner like the me that has been riding for them in their corner. I think I’ll put in for a transfer and apply for my best friend position.

Honestly , No time to waste.

Today’s got this poem stuck in my head for 2 days now. Experimenting on writing a single line poem….a monostich, never even HEARD of such a thing..but to write is to learn to write…in between projects.

pushing to write..and strengthening my writer’s muscle

loving all kinds of me

tolerant T

HT

 

“It isn’t the bite that kills you…it’s the venom, the slow poison seeping through your blood causing an ultimate death…” Tom Callos


    Yeah, Its been a while since  I’ve posted regarding my journey. Sometimedreamssnakebites it’s like that, The Dao says sometimes we are ahead. Sometimes we are behind. When nothing is to be done nothing is left undone, or something profound like that. I accept that I am this artistry, I am this creative being that ascends and descends as part of my unfolding process of becoming the best version of me. There is no time limits on such morphing. All that is to be done will be done when it to come forth and be done 🙂 It is the one place in my life where have too and should have will never exist for T hopefully.

Of course the ultimate time frame would be to leave my mark of immortality before I expire, but that’s another blog.

So shall we? Lets get too it. It’s been 39 days umpteen hours and such and such minutes since I broke up with work and landed another 9 to 5.

I’ve been queasy ever since. Just a few days in I realized that though the break up was necessary the jumping in bed with the first opportunity I saw was clearly a rebound move, and I’ve had some messy results, same job ( lateral move) different players..different social rules.

I’m literally having the life drained out of me. The worst part is that these new beautiful people coworkers don’t even know that they are in purgatory…this rebound job..smh has even less qualms about what’s not working in a system that no longer values authentically making a difference. They are some of the hardest working people I have met in over 17 years..and they ACTUALLY believe in the early bird catches the worm … keep your nose to the grindstone..I feel like I’ve traveled back in time to some cult like black and white high school movie time loop..where your boss still hands out dress code violations and times you every time you use the bathroom. I had No idea it could actually get  worse…than I had it before. hahahahaha..( not even sure why I’m  laughing) what in the baggizius did I get myself into?

  • longer work commute
  • progressive discipline practices ( I haven’t played being afraid of my boss since idk how long?
  • Sunday morning work emails lol…( I don’t even work on Sundays?)

Why on earth would my inner being  tap into attracting such a life,  These are not my desires. I don’t want this!  Where my vibes this low that I attracted a place where flies land on my face daily as I carry out under pressure job duties?

I thought I am in a better place. I thought I am moving forward. No longer attracting more of what I don’t want, rather more of what I DO want.

I don’t want to be stuck in a bad film only available on VHS. I gotta figure this out. There’s no way my story will end like this this is .absurd!!!! almost funny even in a sick sorta way.

Two summers ago I finished Yencarlo… my yA novel( unedited mind you…but finished nonetheless)  How the F$%@! Is this my new beginning.  Ok, so let’s review what I know; same job title different site. First Bite. I am the common denominator at both work locations, If I start looking at me..what’s going on with me? It’s not the jobs no more than it is the boyfriends I’ve choosen. All I know, I better figure it out fast before this misfire bite drains the light from my eyes and diminishes any hopes of a fully creative life.

Is It the dream? My dream of becoming a full time writer, that knowingly made a self sabatoge move? Is it a reminder that I can no longer hide behind the relationship I once had with this career. no matter how I disguise it? I set out to break it off and hook up with my new dream. So did I chose the most uncomfortable situation to keep me painfully awake and remember my new dream? To keep the window down as to not fall asleep at the wheel….?To remind me that something bigger is what I’m hungry for?

I need to stay awake and keep moving through the storm. I know me, I am a survivor. I adapt readily with each day I conquer. I will not remember that I am bitten, and the slow poison of monotonous irregularity will become regular. I will find myself infected like the others no longer remembering that this isn’t normal. Each challenge,  bruises my values daily. I hope I don’t cave. I hope these jabs have purpose, to remind me I’ve been biten..and that it is toxic to stay and adjust to elements designed to kill you, and your creativity in the end. Stay awake T… This is not your dream…stay awake T..don’t sleep. I know you feel lost and confused but stay awake anyway.

Your dreams are on the other of disturbia as honest as T can be…

Honest T

 

Ofcourse there’s a bucket list…..

….and on it is

  • To completely finish all of the edits on the Yencarlo novel before my birthday…(this month) smh.
  • To start earning a living from my craft..
  • To get out of the trap I call work and to show me that I have infinite power and movement over my life.

So I jumped up today on this three day MLK weekend determined. I put my phone on vibrate, and got into the game and off the sidelines of my life. Then it happened ugh! a call.  I sent a PC text  ” hit you back…writing now”.  Her response was so long and daunting. Just one text, one response, threw me off my game and benched my inspiration.

Is it possible to  have a anti -muse?

Ugh! I have a house filled with silence,  plants,  no chores… John Coltrane and my laptop, and my writing flow is benched.

My eldest kid .. says Mom just look at some of your old stuff, that always gets me back on the inspiration train and even if your not ready just push through. Wait, what’s this? Is this the same  kid I tell to clean their room er’day.. and get focused with the direction of their artist career.

Who knew?

Out the mouths of babes:)

So dusting of the blog, rereading to see if the inspiration I try to give out can be turned back inward towards self?

Well at least I  am blogging… its been months eh?

Here’s looking at you kid.

 

Creating your real life, is way harder than grinding at the fake one…..in your head… like the horse above.

honest,

honestly T

T-82 Blog Log

Not feeling well today 705 word count out of pure darkness.

HT

 

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When your sister- n -law texts you at 3am a link for a writing fellowship grant she found on twitter while nursing the baby…You forget about all of everybody’s judgements…You let go of the burning list of what’s not possible in this lifetime…you find relief in a miserable yesterday that has you wide awake at 3am, and you grin a clever grin..getting back to your starry eyed you vibrating the frequency of HOPE.

The return of unlimited T..

honestly? what was I even worried about…

“Only say Yes, when it feels like an YES!”~Hicks

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I’m back

Thank you I am so fortunate to have this block of time each summer to get back to be the fully expressed me.  The me that I put on a shelf while I make things work. Dusting her off for summer time vibrations is the best gift.

Thank you, Thank you, thank you. No complaints… of I wish or I want, only gratitude  today for what I DO have right now in the present.

Working on screenplay this morning havent seen my baby (script) since  probably December, so much to tweek and add into her as I’ve expanded and learned new lessons and continue to expand.. she is my prego sauce everything I’ve got its in there …hahaha like the slogan it’s in there.  Yaaaaah ME!

Honest T

“You have infinite worth and..we came here to be free we came here to play we came here to live in abundance…”_ralph smart.

We are that. I am. Happy New Year..can’t wait to catch you up on all that has happened in the finale of 2016. Carpe Diem Seize the day!

Honest T

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First 20 minutes a day…then promising myself to write every lunch break no matter how crazy and demanding work is. Then onto a few hours on the weekend to entire Saturdays..8 hrs today 12 hours last weekend.  I keep looking for tricky ways to jumpstart a daily momentum during the school year.

Today, I began my Saturday reading an article on what makes a person like me tick, always needing to be there to inspire others. Gaining fulfillment by knowing I’m there for others. Yet as I began reading up on this trait and the potential hazards of overkill…I began to see my self neglect as a character strength, like I have something to prove by putting my desires last. I’ve made a  hobby of it. I’ve  warranted my self-worth by the deeds I do for others, to help define me. Yes I am writing now, and meditating more, but look how long it took me just to get here. “What do I do to enrich my life every SINGLE day?

What would a day look like if I pampered me ? Not just catching up on much-needed rest, but actually breathing in an active deliberate life, full of me? So while my youngest is at a sleep over today, I think I’ll take no calls. I think I’ll take a day off from loved ones lol criticizing how my head’s always in the clouds.  I think I’ll take a vacation from social media, and not have anyone challenge my way of being today. No defending my financial choices, no judgements, no fear, no self-doubt. Just be with me in my own company, and see if I’d enjoy it.

I discovered that the girl within me is so deep, and cool and spiritual and outside of the lines. With tears streaming down our face, my inner me  just came up with a new ending twist to my young adult novel. No one was around to call her foolish for crying about it today. No one rolled their eyes and thought her dramatic. Instead I was moved and thought awww baby, sweet baby how could you miss that so much of the main character is you. You’re beautifully connected to him in more ways than one.

As I clanked away at the keys I fell in to love with my fictional characters, as we were bonded by the emotional release.

I understood who Yen (main character) is now, why he is the way he is for his world..and he respectfully would understand me. We are one Me, myself and my main character.

My triumphs, and my tragedy I forgive all of it, thanks to the one special thing I do for me in this lifetime my artistic expression .. my voice… my writings.

With heavy eyes lids and a tight stiff neck  I completed the  final edit of the first 3 chapters and soon it will be ready to be sent to a lit agent.

I  thought all I needed was Focus,

Then I thought all I needed was a little momentum and grind

But today it was the space in between…the undefined I found that by spending time with myself.

“We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospect.”
Anaïs Nin

Thank you universe for such clarity

Honestly,

Honest T

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